Stereotypes.

Well all know what a stereotype is. It is, by definition, a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Few, if any, know the root of the word. I believe it's

[17th century] Latin I don't fucking know.

However I've been wrong on occasion.

Personally, I like stereotypes. Not only are they hilarious, but it's the perfect way to live your life and avoid a dragged out confrontation whenever possible. Let's look at a few real-world scenarios and how to handle them in case you're ever stuck in a similar situation, using stereotypes as our ever-definitive guide to problem solving:

Scenario A - You accidentally step on a black man's shoes while waiting in line at the ATM. Immediately, you apologize to him by saying "my bad, G, didn't mean to dis the Jordans." Note the use of "my bad" in place of "I apologize." Black people, like hispanics, do not take kindly to large words, as it is a sign of aggression. At that point he will proceed to telling you a humorous anecdote. No matter what he says, you must laugh... loudly. All blacks are funny, therefore it is customary to pay your respect, or "props", to the gentleman. If all else fails, always carry watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. That, or give him all the money you take out of the ATM, since he was probably in line to rob you anyway.

Scenario B - Your Middle Eastern cab driver takes a wrong turn on his way to taking you to the airport. In a stern -- but not aggressive -- voice, say "hey Ahmed, you missed the turn." His name may not be Ahmed, however he will not take offense because it shows your attempt at understanding his language and culture. If he does not respond, there may be a problem. At this point you must say, "yo, Mohinder, do you speak English?" Notice how you now went from calling him by an Arabic name to an Indian name? That's because there was the possibility that you mistook him for one or the other, since it's a documented scientific fact that they all look alike. If this does not yield the wanted response, you must exit the cab immediately. The man is clearly a terrorist, say you're Canadian and call the authorities once you are far enough away from him.

Scenario C - After work one day, you decide you will head to a bar with one of your co-workers. Your co-worker, more than likely by choice, happens to be white. While at the bar, you two get to talking about religion and politics. All of the correct responses to his questions should be: A) Republican B) Protestant C) Pro-Bush D) Anti-immigration E) Anti-abortion. Yes, I know this goes against all logic and ethics, but you must make the white man feel at home and in control. If you do not, he will do one of various things white men with a power trip do, which is ruin your credit, arrest you, eat you, wear your skin, etc.

Scenario D - One night while out at a club, you are approached by an obviously gay fellow. You know he's gay, because he has this catty look in his eyes, plus he's very well kept, clean shaven, fit, and an immoral heretic child of Satan with impure thoughts. The first assumption you should make is that he wants to have sex with you. It doesn't matter that you're the '83 Corolla of the dating scene and your beer gut sticks out longer than your erect penis, he clearly wants to buttsex you. The proper thing to do in this situation is raise your voice at him, in a very authoritative fashion to let him know who the man is. Caution: Some gays are quite attracted to this. If you feel you are receiving more approval than disdain, quickly raise your shirt to show him the brown belt you're wearing with black shoes. That's like kryptonite.

Scenario E - While eating at your favorite restaurant, the hispanic -- let's call him Mexican -- busboy accidentally drops a dirty fork on your table. This angers you, because he took that job away from a 17-year old spoiled rich kid from Wasp KK. Kay Preparatory School who would have taken pot breaks while dry-humping your daughter in the alley. In order to settle this problem, simply threaten to call immigration. For effect, randomly throw in the name "Elian Gonzalez." He'll get the message loud and clear, as long as you say "comprede", because hispanics don't speak any English.

Scenario F - You are cut off by an Asian driver. You both happen to stop at the same market, and when he gets out of his car you come within 3 feet of each other and lock eyes. The correct course of action is to ignore the situation and walk away. He knows karate.

There you have it. If any of the above methods don't work, you probably did something wrong. They should always work, no matter the circumstance.