Get to know God.

The story of God is an important one to tell. Many of you just vaguely know of Him, hearing His name in acceptance speeches everywhere, but few are those who know the man for who He is and why He is special enough to have His pronouns capitalized. I feel it is a biography every human being should read. It's not easy discovering this story, however, thanks to the flash before my eyes when I accidentally banged my nutsack against the bathroom doorknob I have acquired the story from God's publicist himself.


MEET THE PARENTS
God was born Gallagher Oswald Dominguez IV in New Olympus, Heaven. It's not exactly known the date He was born since His father forged His birth certificate numerous times so He can play little league baseball in different inter-dimensional leagues. Eventually, as a running gag between teammates, it was just easier to say that "God has always been." God was adept at playing short stop, and had an average career .376 batting average with a .620 slugging average, 39 HR's, and 95 RBI's with the New Olympus Angels. He never won a championship, mostly due to slumping post-season pitching.

God's father, Gallagher Oswald Dominguez III, was affectionately called The Godfather, on account of his Italian ancestry and prior dealings with the Divine Mafia. The fact that he was God's father is purely coincidental and came after the fact. God's mother was a legal assistant at a private law firm somewhere outside New Olympus. His parents met on eHarmony.com.



THE EARLY YEARS
God had a rough childhood, to say the least. It's no secret He was a "C" student, which is blatantly shown throughout His inconsistencies when He created this universe. Carbon dating and fossil evidence showing the planet as being older than He states, red-shift spectra and modern physics showing the age of the universe as being older than He states, evolution, human genome mapping, these are just a few of the inconsistencies He accidentally left in place to throw us off of the truth. Most of that can be attributed to bad influences as a child. Everything from His parents' ongoing arguments over whether chickens or eggs should be made first to his bad-boy neighbor Lucifer, things just made His life tougher as it went on. In school, God was constantly picked on for being Latino and having such a pronounced beard, which was red at the time. He was consistently picked last for dodgeplanet (a lot like dodgeball, but using planets) on account of His asthma and His weak, girlish arms. This did not deter Him, and instead inspired Him to become the great and powerful deity He is now. He, being the all-powerful God, cured His asthma. To bulk up his arms, He created a rock so heavy even He could not lift it, then worked out with that. It's difficult for us humans to understand that paradox, on whether He can or cannot lift it. The answer, as used in New Olympus, is simply "yes, He can't."

This is where He began to change. The steroids He created and used to lift His rock had began to take their toll on Him. He grew increasingly angry and unforgiving, changed His name to Zeus, had unprotected sex with the denizens of the universe He created, drank excessive amounts of Ambrosia, purchased His old baseball team, The Angels, and used them to do His bidding. Later, He joined the Republican party and created Hell where He sent His old friend Lucifer there to be its landlord.



BEING A GOD
After years of messing around with the Greeks and fooling them in oh-so-many ways, He decided it was time to settle down and be a serious God. He wanted a legitimate child, and since Hercules, one of God's illegitimate kids during his Zeus years, chose to live with his mother Alcmene in her 2 bedroom flat in Thebes, God knew it was time to be a good Father (and Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.) The Egyptians annoyed Him with all their hedonistic technology, the Asians frankly scared Him a bit, and He didn't even know the Native Americans existed. It was clear that God needed to find a new region of people to mess around with. This is when he met Mary, whose Judeo-Aramaic name Maryam translates to "bitter" and makes perfect sense. It was a double whammy, since God's strictly-Jewish mother wanted Him to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.

Fast forward 9 months, because even though God can make man appear out of thin air like He did with Adam and Eve, He needed an engaged young Jew to classically birth His kid. Jesus is born. He named His son Jesus after his Mexican great, great, great, great, great grandfather Jesus Bartolomeo Dominguez. Jesus had many of the skills as his father, including masterful carpentry skills and magic. Aside from turning water into wine, he could ask you to pick a card, any card, and tell you what you had. Although, it needs to be stated, it was actually his father who would whisper to him letting him know what card it was. This was a con that would later indict God in Vegas.



GOD OF WAR
Things seemed to be going well. God had a son, a kingdom, a universe, and yet another religion that He could use to have some fun creating wars and such while the World of Warcraft servers were down. The Bible was in full swing, and this made God very proud. It just so happens that God won a bet He had with a deity of another universe on who could write the most absurd piece of literature and tout it as fact, then have His people accept it blindly.

God shows us He loves us by burning cities to the ground, letting loose plagues, creating famine, flooding the planet, and releasing locusts. He encourages war, which is why He tells us to fight in His name and that it's OK to kill other human beings as long as it's protecting God's sanctity. It doesn't matter that He explicitly stated "THOU SHALL NOT KILL," you can do so in His name because He said so. Many people believe He does this because He is angry with us, however recent studies of deity psychology suggests He does this as a way of bringing us closer to Him. You see, when He kills us, we turn into magical little angels that live with Him in His kingdom. His kingdom is a lot like Earth in that it is ruled by Him and only Him, you must follow the religion set by Him, the ten commandments apply, you can have friends and family, and sex is still a sin. The only difference is it's a lot whiter which includes the clothing, even after labor day.

Jesus was eventually killed by Jews because he refused to wear his pouch of Jew Gold.



THE GOD SQUAD
Soon after Jesus' death, hordes of humans under the guiding name of Christians -- named after popular Puerto Rican singer Cristian Castro -- began recruiting more and more members. Their doctrine was that Jesus was the son of God, the one true God. That was pretty much it, but at the time it was enough to get you government tax breaks. Over time they realized they needed something to actually believe, so they took that old Bible God had won a bet on and rewrote it, adding stories of apples, incest, snakes, and a cool fable about a flood and animals on a boat. They renamed it from The Bible to The Bible.

The entire world, i.e. Europe, began adopting their own flavor of Christianity, including Catholicism, Greek Orthodoxy, Evangelicalism, Anglicanism, Lutheranism, Protestantism, Baptist, Adventism, and the least popular Jism which has only began resurfacing after 70's porn flicks.

God wanted to spice things up, so He made sure Jews, Muslims, Christians, Pagans, Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, Wiccans, lions, tigers, and bears hated each other unquestionably. It has stayed this way ever since, until the introduction of Scientologists. Scientology has enabled other religions to slowly come together and bash its ridiculousness. This was not God's doing, this was solely Xenu's bidding. Xenu played for the Heaven's Chaos baseball team which consecutively swept the Angels in the post-season.



GOD THE ACTOR
God has appeared on television and on the big screen a number of times. Actors such as Morgan Freeman, Jim Carrey, and Alanis Morissette have portrayed God and thus secured themselves a spot in Hell for having the audacity to presume God being black, Canadian, or a Canadian female of all things. God is a regular on animated shows such as Family Guy and The Simpsons, while Jesus and Lucifer maintain good relations with the South Park guys.

God hopes to appear in a Mel Gibson picture sometime soon, however Mel Gibson is reluctant to allow it seeing as God is, in fact, half Jew.



THE FUTURE
No one knows what the future has in store for God, except God. At the moment, He's toying with the idea of turning the tide on the War on Terror and that other one in Iraq. Yes, He's on great terms with the Bush administration, but seeing congress controlled by Democrats and the high probability of the presidency swaying in the Democratic favor as well, God fears losing the Divine Election to a more liberal deity, like Aphrodite. We will just have to wait and see what happens, us mere mortals can't hope to understand what goes on in the mind of God.