Get to know God.
The story of God is an important one to tell. Many of you just vaguely know of Him, hearing His name in acceptance speeches everywhere, but few are those who know the man for who He is and why He is special enough to have His pronouns capitalized. I feel it is a biography every human being should read. It's not easy discovering this story, however, thanks to the flash before my eyes when I accidentally banged my nutsack against the bathroom doorknob I have acquired the story from God's publicist himself.
MEET THE PARENTS
God was born Gallagher Oswald Dominguez IV in New Olympus, Heaven. It's not exactly known the date He was born since His father forged His birth certificate numerous times so He can play little league baseball in different inter-dimensional leagues. Eventually, as a running gag between teammates, it was just easier to say that "God has always been." God was adept at playing short stop, and had an average career .376 batting average with a .620 slugging average, 39 HR's, and 95 RBI's with the New Olympus Angels. He never won a championship, mostly due to slumping post-season pitching.
God's father, Gallagher Oswald Dominguez III, was affectionately called The Godfather, on account of his Italian ancestry and prior dealings with the Divine Mafia. The fact that he was God's father is purely coincidental and came after the fact. God's mother was a legal assistant at a private law firm somewhere outside New Olympus. His parents met on eHarmony.com.
THE EARLY YEARS
God had a rough childhood, to say the least. It's no secret He was a "C" student, which is blatantly shown throughout His inconsistencies when He created this universe. Carbon dating and fossil evidence showing the planet as being older than He states, red-shift spectra and modern physics showing the age of the universe as being older than He states, evolution, human genome mapping, these are just a few of the inconsistencies He accidentally left in place to throw us off of the truth. Most of that can be attributed to bad influences as a child. Everything from His parents' ongoing arguments over whether chickens or eggs should be made first to his bad-boy neighbor Lucifer, things just made His life tougher as it went on. In school, God was constantly picked on for being Latino and having such a pronounced beard, which was red at the time. He was consistently picked last for dodgeplanet (a lot like dodgeball, but using planets) on account of His asthma and His weak, girlish arms. This did not deter Him, and instead inspired Him to become the great and powerful deity He is now. He, being the all-powerful God, cured His asthma. To bulk up his arms, He created a rock so heavy even He could not lift it, then worked out with that. It's difficult for us humans to understand that paradox, on whether He can or cannot lift it. The answer, as used in New Olympus, is simply "yes, He can't."
This is where He began to change. The steroids He created and used to lift His rock had began to take their toll on Him. He grew increasingly angry and unforgiving, changed His name to Zeus, had unprotected sex with the denizens of the universe He created, drank excessive amounts of Ambrosia, purchased His old baseball team, The Angels, and used them to do His bidding. Later, He joined the Republican party and created Hell where He sent His old friend Lucifer there to be its landlord.
BEING A GOD
After years of messing around with the Greeks and fooling them in oh-so-many ways, He decided it was time to settle down and be a serious God. He wanted a legitimate child, and since Hercules, one of God's illegitimate kids during his Zeus years, chose to live with his mother Alcmene in her 2 bedroom flat in Thebes, God knew it was time to be a good Father (and Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.) The Egyptians annoyed Him with all their hedonistic technology, the Asians frankly scared Him a bit, and He didn't even know the Native Americans existed. It was clear that God needed to find a new region of people to mess around with. This is when he met Mary, whose Judeo-Aramaic name Maryam translates to "bitter" and makes perfect sense. It was a double whammy, since God's strictly-Jewish mother wanted Him to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.
Fast forward 9 months, because even though God can make man appear out of thin air like He did with Adam and Eve, He needed an engaged young Jew to classically birth His kid. Jesus is born. He named His son Jesus after his Mexican great, great, great, great, great grandfather Jesus Bartolomeo Dominguez. Jesus had many of the skills as his father, including masterful carpentry skills and magic. Aside from turning water into wine, he could ask you to pick a card, any card, and tell you what you had. Although, it needs to be stated, it was actually his father who would whisper to him letting him know what card it was. This was a con that would later indict God in Vegas.
GOD OF WAR
Things seemed to be going well. God had a son, a kingdom, a universe, and yet another religion that He could use to have some fun creating wars and such while the World of Warcraft servers were down. The Bible was in full swing, and this made God very proud. It just so happens that God won a bet He had with a deity of another universe on who could write the most absurd piece of literature and tout it as fact, then have His people accept it blindly.
God shows us He loves us by burning cities to the ground, letting loose plagues, creating famine, flooding the planet, and releasing locusts. He encourages war, which is why He tells us to fight in His name and that it's OK to kill other human beings as long as it's protecting God's sanctity. It doesn't matter that He explicitly stated "THOU SHALL NOT KILL," you can do so in His name because He said so. Many people believe He does this because He is angry with us, however recent studies of deity psychology suggests He does this as a way of bringing us closer to Him. You see, when He kills us, we turn into magical little angels that live with Him in His kingdom. His kingdom is a lot like Earth in that it is ruled by Him and only Him, you must follow the religion set by Him, the ten commandments apply, you can have friends and family, and sex is still a sin. The only difference is it's a lot whiter which includes the clothing, even after labor day.
Jesus was eventually killed by Jews because he refused to wear his pouch of Jew Gold.
THE GOD SQUAD
Soon after Jesus' death, hordes of humans under the guiding name of Christians -- named after popular Puerto Rican singer Cristian Castro -- began recruiting more and more members. Their doctrine was that Jesus was the son of God, the one true God. That was pretty much it, but at the time it was enough to get you government tax breaks. Over time they realized they needed something to actually believe, so they took that old Bible God had won a bet on and rewrote it, adding stories of apples, incest, snakes, and a cool fable about a flood and animals on a boat. They renamed it from The Bible to The Bible.
The entire world, i.e. Europe, began adopting their own flavor of Christianity, including Catholicism, Greek Orthodoxy, Evangelicalism, Anglicanism, Lutheranism, Protestantism, Baptist, Adventism, and the least popular Jism which has only began resurfacing after 70's porn flicks.
God wanted to spice things up, so He made sure Jews, Muslims, Christians, Pagans, Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, Wiccans, lions, tigers, and bears hated each other unquestionably. It has stayed this way ever since, until the introduction of Scientologists. Scientology has enabled other religions to slowly come together and bash its ridiculousness. This was not God's doing, this was solely Xenu's bidding. Xenu played for the Heaven's Chaos baseball team which consecutively swept the Angels in the post-season.
GOD THE ACTOR
God has appeared on television and on the big screen a number of times. Actors such as Morgan Freeman, Jim Carrey, and Alanis Morissette have portrayed God and thus secured themselves a spot in Hell for having the audacity to presume God being black, Canadian, or a Canadian female of all things. God is a regular on animated shows such as Family Guy and The Simpsons, while Jesus and Lucifer maintain good relations with the South Park guys.
God hopes to appear in a Mel Gibson picture sometime soon, however Mel Gibson is reluctant to allow it seeing as God is, in fact, half Jew.
THE FUTURE
No one knows what the future has in store for God, except God. At the moment, He's toying with the idea of turning the tide on the War on Terror and that other one in Iraq. Yes, He's on great terms with the Bush administration, but seeing congress controlled by Democrats and the high probability of the presidency swaying in the Democratic favor as well, God fears losing the Divine Election to a more liberal deity, like Aphrodite. We will just have to wait and see what happens, us mere mortals can't hope to understand what goes on in the mind of God.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
How science REALLY works.
Have you ever wondered how science and math are used to prove things, or how certain scientific buzzwords function? Of course you haven't, you're on MySpace! Even so, I'm here to learn you on this topic. Contrary to popular belief, modern science is not "whiteman magic" as many of us have been led to understand by the clergy. Au contraire (that's French for "au contraire"), science and mathematics are the basis of our current society, so I believe it is my duty to make sure you comprehend.
EQUATIONS
A lot of things are proven using mathematic equations. You know what they look like, E = mc^2, F = ma, and C^2 = A^2 + B^2 as well as inequalities such as R2D2 =/= C3PO. What that means is simply one side's relationship to the other side. If you see the "=" sign, it means both sides are equal to each other. If you see the "=/=" it means both sides are not equal to each other. Many popular songs have been written about the equal sign, such as Ace of Base's smash hit I Saw the Sign.
But how does this kind of stuff seem to prove just about everything? Ah, that's not something I can really explain to you so easily. You just have to think like a mathematician. You may have it in you, you may not. Recently, after much hard work and hours of conferring with prominent professors and scholars, I have come up with what could possibly be the most layman equation to date. It will let just about everyone understand exactly how it is equations work and what they express.
They're really not as tough as you think. You just need to start thinking outside the box. Like, very outside the box.
DNA
DNA is something that has been steadily growing in the scientific community. I'm sure many of you have seen DNA in use all the time. The most professional and widely used example of DNA in the modern world is that which can be found on the Maury Povich show. It involves fat, whorish sloths and unemployed high school drop outs finding out just who seeded, if you will, the child currently being put together by whiteman magic in said whore's womb. After excessive repetition of "you are/aren't the father" and many "oh snaps" and "I told you sos" DNA testing is complete.
But just what is DNA and how does it work? It's simple! DNA got its name from the man who discovered it, Dan. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in the patent office, the mix-up being they hired a moron, Dan's name was misspelled as Dna. Because of that mistake, scientists decided to think fast and eventually came up with a better name, which is deoxyribonucleic acid. You have no idea how convenient that was, since it's exactly what DNA is actually made up of. Thanks Dan!
DNA is essentially a set of instructions that set up how a living organism will work. It's sort of like instructions on how to bake a cake, except it's a lot more complex, detailed, advanced, intricate, and overall extraordinarily different in every way. Yes, like I said, it's sort of like baking instructions. All living things have DNA, except Dick Cheney.
CHROMOSOMES
Chromosomes are the scientific name for those cool silvery rims you see on many "pimped out" vehicles in music videos and MTV cribs. Also, and almost as important, it's a macromolecule of DNA and it is usually what people are talking about when they mention "genes." Urban youth as well as rappers like to ask ladies grammatically-sound questions such as "how'd you get in them genes," to which the female usually responds with something along the lines of "my genome was a hereditary process through copulation between my mother and father, each of which transferred an equal amount of encoded and non-coding DNA sequences into a dynamic vessel for cellular reproduction to occur." Then they have sweet, passionate sex.
But how does a chromosome determine traits in an organism? I'm glad you asked, I really am. A chromosome has encoded DNA that pretty much "tells" what the person will look and act like. Will the person have blue eyes? Will the person be tall? Will the person have a fervid hatred of inferior races such as the Daytona 500? All of this can be determined, simply enough, just by looking at the genes in chromosomes. Sure, they're very small and can't be seen by the naked eye, which is why we have eye-clothing called microscopes. Once you look into a microscope you can really see what I mean by knowing what a person will be like just by taking a look at some chromosomes. For instance, this is computerized and highly accurate model representation of two sets of chromosomes taken from two different people:
As you can see from the fabulous palette, one of those is clearly a homosexual, and as you can see from the black letters introducing each image, the gay one is the one on the bottom, pun totally intended. This is how chromosomes work. You are now a licensed geneticist in the state of Wyoming.
THE COSMOS
Cosmos as in stars. Hmm, that didn't help. In other words, not the magazine. I'm talking about stars, galaxies, nebulae, planets, etc. They litter the night sky and allow guys everywhere to round second base just by their mention. Planets are where men and women hail from. Empirical evidence shows that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. It would make sense, since Mars is a desolate, cold lifeless rock that possibly had a great and fruitful life at one point but that quickly ended once it met Venus, and Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system. They wouldn't have it any other way. Long ago, God contemplated making men from Venus instead of women, however he quickly scrapped that idea when he invented limericks. Galaxies are clusters of stars and planets. Galaxies also payed David Beckham $250 million to move to California with his Spice Girl and convert to Scientology within 3 years.
But how does the cosmos work? According to Christianity, it doesn't. On the other hand, according to science it does! It's very intricate. Stars, as you can see, are extremely small, that's why so many of them can fit in the sky. The largest star in the universe is the one we call Sun, which is only a slightly bigger star than Alec Baldwin. These stars, like fireflies, slowly hover around the sky providing navigation aid for sailors as well as material for cheesy lyrics. There is also a successful business framework selling stars to average people. Companies like this, such as starnamer.org, take your money and in return give you a finely crafted certificate that officially states how stupid you are. Alongside that, they give you a digital photograph of the star you believe you purchased, with an arrow pointing to it and a caption that reads "This is where your head is, asshole."
I believe you have learned enough today. Next time we'll cover other topics including chemistry, physics, and John Tesh.
Have you ever wondered how science and math are used to prove things, or how certain scientific buzzwords function? Of course you haven't, you're on MySpace! Even so, I'm here to learn you on this topic. Contrary to popular belief, modern science is not "whiteman magic" as many of us have been led to understand by the clergy. Au contraire (that's French for "au contraire"), science and mathematics are the basis of our current society, so I believe it is my duty to make sure you comprehend.
EQUATIONS
A lot of things are proven using mathematic equations. You know what they look like, E = mc^2, F = ma, and C^2 = A^2 + B^2 as well as inequalities such as R2D2 =/= C3PO. What that means is simply one side's relationship to the other side. If you see the "=" sign, it means both sides are equal to each other. If you see the "=/=" it means both sides are not equal to each other. Many popular songs have been written about the equal sign, such as Ace of Base's smash hit I Saw the Sign.
But how does this kind of stuff seem to prove just about everything? Ah, that's not something I can really explain to you so easily. You just have to think like a mathematician. You may have it in you, you may not. Recently, after much hard work and hours of conferring with prominent professors and scholars, I have come up with what could possibly be the most layman equation to date. It will let just about everyone understand exactly how it is equations work and what they express.
They're really not as tough as you think. You just need to start thinking outside the box. Like, very outside the box.
DNA
DNA is something that has been steadily growing in the scientific community. I'm sure many of you have seen DNA in use all the time. The most professional and widely used example of DNA in the modern world is that which can be found on the Maury Povich show. It involves fat, whorish sloths and unemployed high school drop outs finding out just who seeded, if you will, the child currently being put together by whiteman magic in said whore's womb. After excessive repetition of "you are/aren't the father" and many "oh snaps" and "I told you sos" DNA testing is complete.
But just what is DNA and how does it work? It's simple! DNA got its name from the man who discovered it, Dan. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in the patent office, the mix-up being they hired a moron, Dan's name was misspelled as Dna. Because of that mistake, scientists decided to think fast and eventually came up with a better name, which is deoxyribonucleic acid. You have no idea how convenient that was, since it's exactly what DNA is actually made up of. Thanks Dan!
DNA is essentially a set of instructions that set up how a living organism will work. It's sort of like instructions on how to bake a cake, except it's a lot more complex, detailed, advanced, intricate, and overall extraordinarily different in every way. Yes, like I said, it's sort of like baking instructions. All living things have DNA, except Dick Cheney.
CHROMOSOMES
Chromosomes are the scientific name for those cool silvery rims you see on many "pimped out" vehicles in music videos and MTV cribs. Also, and almost as important, it's a macromolecule of DNA and it is usually what people are talking about when they mention "genes." Urban youth as well as rappers like to ask ladies grammatically-sound questions such as "how'd you get in them genes," to which the female usually responds with something along the lines of "my genome was a hereditary process through copulation between my mother and father, each of which transferred an equal amount of encoded and non-coding DNA sequences into a dynamic vessel for cellular reproduction to occur." Then they have sweet, passionate sex.
But how does a chromosome determine traits in an organism? I'm glad you asked, I really am. A chromosome has encoded DNA that pretty much "tells" what the person will look and act like. Will the person have blue eyes? Will the person be tall? Will the person have a fervid hatred of inferior races such as the Daytona 500? All of this can be determined, simply enough, just by looking at the genes in chromosomes. Sure, they're very small and can't be seen by the naked eye, which is why we have eye-clothing called microscopes. Once you look into a microscope you can really see what I mean by knowing what a person will be like just by taking a look at some chromosomes. For instance, this is computerized and highly accurate model representation of two sets of chromosomes taken from two different people:
As you can see from the fabulous palette, one of those is clearly a homosexual, and as you can see from the black letters introducing each image, the gay one is the one on the bottom, pun totally intended. This is how chromosomes work. You are now a licensed geneticist in the state of Wyoming.
THE COSMOS
Cosmos as in stars. Hmm, that didn't help. In other words, not the magazine. I'm talking about stars, galaxies, nebulae, planets, etc. They litter the night sky and allow guys everywhere to round second base just by their mention. Planets are where men and women hail from. Empirical evidence shows that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. It would make sense, since Mars is a desolate, cold lifeless rock that possibly had a great and fruitful life at one point but that quickly ended once it met Venus, and Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system. They wouldn't have it any other way. Long ago, God contemplated making men from Venus instead of women, however he quickly scrapped that idea when he invented limericks. Galaxies are clusters of stars and planets. Galaxies also payed David Beckham $250 million to move to California with his Spice Girl and convert to Scientology within 3 years.
But how does the cosmos work? According to Christianity, it doesn't. On the other hand, according to science it does! It's very intricate. Stars, as you can see, are extremely small, that's why so many of them can fit in the sky. The largest star in the universe is the one we call Sun, which is only a slightly bigger star than Alec Baldwin. These stars, like fireflies, slowly hover around the sky providing navigation aid for sailors as well as material for cheesy lyrics. There is also a successful business framework selling stars to average people. Companies like this, such as starnamer.org, take your money and in return give you a finely crafted certificate that officially states how stupid you are. Alongside that, they give you a digital photograph of the star you believe you purchased, with an arrow pointing to it and a caption that reads "This is where your head is, asshole."
I believe you have learned enough today. Next time we'll cover other topics including chemistry, physics, and John Tesh.
Stereotypes V2: Profiling.
Since my original stereotypes tutorial was such a wild success (I was even plagiarized twice, yay!) and I had a couple of people telling me I should write another, I decided to continue the path and take it a step further. Complete with pictures for reference, I have put together a little guide on profiling.
Human beings are strange creatures. I'm sure at least 2/3 of you have heard of the homo sapiens species, the Latin name for the human species we belong to. The other 1/3 of confuse it with homo saypenis. Real mature. Anyway, humans are the dominant species on this planet in terms of control and intelligence. With our intelligence comes our unique ability to express our individuality, and my unique ability to make fun of it. I'm going to show you how it's possible to exploit nature's little gift to humans; personality and identity.
HOW TO PROFILE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.
When you see a person that resembles any of the following people or contain their attributes, you can easily judge them using the information I have researched on my own. I've made sure this meets the strictest academic guidelines there are, so you can use this field guide out there in the real world by heart. Remember, as you've learned in my previous stereotyping tutorial, it's important to judge people on preconceptions and reject them as human beings if they don't meet your prerequisites for friendship. With that said, let's get started!
Sub-Species: Angsti Teenus
Habitat: MySpace, Dashboard Confessional shows, Barnes & Nobles.
Diet: Estrogen.
Dress Code: Tight jeans, scarves, horizontal thick-striped shirts, converse shoes, etc.
Fun Fact: Emo kids are like goth kids that have all the Harry Potter books and movies.
Description: Their common name "emo" is Latin for "I'm retarded." The emo is usually seen writing haikus about life with an overuse of the words overrated, lame, anguish, and deep. Emo kids are the kind of people who own a t-shirt that reads, "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same," a mass-produced t-shirt they purchased at Hot Topic with the fat $100 a week allowance they get from their parents. They don't catch the irony. The average emo cannot operate a motor vehicle, because their required hairstyle covers one eye, impairing depth perception. Unfortunately, they're too focused on depression to realize this. The emo phase passes with age, usually capping at around age 22, unless a label signs them. A hell-spawned label ordained by Satan himself.
How To Communicate With Them: If it's absolutely necessary to communicate with a 17 year old who writes poetry that reads like Tears For Fears lyrics on Midol, you're either a parent, a poor soul caught with one of these douchefucks in your study/project group, or a self-hating pedophile with a wild sense of humor. Either way, there's no communicating with these people unless you become one. Just like marrying a Jew.
Sub-Species: Pleus Supportus
Habitat: LAN parties, basements, cold server rooms.
Diet: Never.
Dress Code: Plaid long-sleeve dress shirts (untucked) or white short-sleeve button-down shirt with a left pocket, pleated khakis, white socks and black Reeboks.
Fun Fact: Steve Carrell studied the habits of the tech support guy to prepare for his role in the feature film The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Description: The tech support guy is a fairly recent sub-species of man, evolved from the extinct abacus repairman (myjobus suckus) some twenty years ago. Back in high school, this guy would take comfort in the fact that after graduation the popular jocks would end up being blue collar knuckle draggers and his kind would become successful businessmen or engineers. Unfortunately for him, the jocks went to college on football scholarships and he fell for those University of Phoenix Online ads. These are not the type of people you find in public places, ever, unless surrounded by like-minded individuals, or if the crowd happens to be wearing Star Trek costumes and/or EverQuest garments.
How To Communicate With Them: This is significantly easier than the emo kid. Just speak to the man. Once he gets over his initial shock that someone is communicating with him sans a keyboard, he will do anything you ask. He will barbecue a virgin lamb using aged mahogany wood for you in his mother's basement if that's what you request. To him, actual human contact outside of work is like crack to Bobby Brown.
Sub-Species: Humanus Metallis
Habitat: Record stores, local metal shows, Guitar Center.
Diet: Meatloaf. Hah.
Dress Code: Regular fit jeans, regular fit t-shirt (usually black) with an 80's or 90's hair band logo, wristbands, combat boots.
Fun Fact: Every time you make fun of Cannibal Corpse and Slayer, a metalhead cuts his hair and gets a job.
Description: Metalheads are by law only allowed to work in 5 places, pet stores sweeping stuff up, restocking vending machines, a musical instrument store such as Sam Ash and Guitar Center, a music record store, or as a roadie for a hardcore metal band. The latter is the most prestigious job a metalhead can have. They enjoy wearing army clothing to blend in with the foliage in the mall they work in. Metalhead status is determined by the length of their hair and how many picks they've collected from various hardcore death metal shows. The curly metal hair with a bandana is among the most powerful looks a metalhead can have. Once diagnosed at around the age of 16, a metalhead usually stays a metalhead for the rest of his life, making this condition one of the deadliest diseases known to man, just slightly behind musical theatre performer.
How To Communicate With Them: Moshing, which is a shorthand way of saying "jumping around like a moron pushing people across a circular area in front of a stage," is a good way to communicate with them. Another way is to make a fist, then raise your index finger and pinky, hold that up, and make an angry face. They will respond with a similar gesture, which is a great way to establish rapport. Once you have his attention, then you can ask him to get working on that price check for the baby blue Fender Squire you're buying your 11 year old daughter that wants to follow in Avril Lavigne's footsteps.
Sub-Species: Countrius Musicus
Habitat: NASCAR races, trailer parks, crystal meth labs.
Diet: Grits, opossum, cheap fast food, black people.
Dress Code: Anything worn in the 80's, including white Keds and LA gear pumps, as well as American flag paraphernalia.
Fun Fact: Mullets are used by white trash hillbillies, also called rednecks, to combat against the sun turning their necks red.
Description: Rednecks are among the most easily profiled people on the planet. It's easier to spot and classify a redneck than it is to spot and classify a Mexican on a lawn. They are staunchly proud of being profoundly stupid, much like the ghetto fabulous guy. Rednecks maintain that white trash is a different classification which is beneath them, however just like Chinese and Japanese, they're all the same thing. The official hairstyle of the redneck is the mullet, pictured above. Mullets were co-invented by Captain Planet and MacGuyver when God abandoned man. Famous rednecks include Larry the Cable Guy, the guy who plays the town crier at your local renaissance fair, and George W. Bush. Oddly enough, George Bush Sr. is not a redneck, and neither is his wife Barbara who was created in a lab somewhere in Bhutan.
How To Communicate With Them: As long as you're a white, Christian, conservative, American heterosexual without a college degree, you can communicate freely with the redneck. Tell them a Blue Collar joke, such as: If you find Jeff Foxworthy funny, you might be a redneck.
Sub-Species: Doucheus Maximus
Habitat: New Jersey and New York.
Diet: Steroids and ecstasy.
Dress Code: An intricate mix of shit you wear to play basketball, wiggerwear, and stuff you would see on a Boyz II Men video. This ensemble is turned, somehow, into wardrobe worn in a club setting.
CONSERVATION STATUS: Endangered.
Fun Fact: Guidos are protected by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) because poachers have been hunting the New Jersey Guido for its high-priced bronzed leathery skin to make Guido-skinned toilet covers.
Description: Guidos originated from Italy, usually 3-5 generations back which effectively makes the pretend-Italian a full-blooded American who hasn't learned to assimilate. They are, by definition, douchebags. Guidos eventually grow up to be wops who coach little league baseball while wearing red tracksuits with the zipper only about halfway up, thus exposing matted chest hair below a gold-plated chain with a crucifix. The Guido drives a "tricked out" cheap vehicle such as a Honda Civic or 1994 Ford Mustang to various trance/trip hop clubs around the tri-state area and despite his obvious downfalls as a human being manages to attract beautiful young ladies undeterred by STD's, with the aid of alcohol, of course. The Guido produces an impressive amount of grease, usually concentrated around his face and hair, which is taken as a sign of virility by Guidettes, the Guido female.
How To Communicate With Them: Normally, Guidos will not speak to you unless you yourself are a Guido. Their limited intelligence allows a loophole to this. Slick your hair with obscene amounts of hair gel and use bastardized Italian words like "capish" and an exceedingly thick New York accent. If you can swing by a pawn shop and pick up any tacky jewelry pawned by Puerto Rican pickpockets from Queens it's a plus.
I trust you've learned a little more about the world around you. Next chapter we will cover other brands of humans. Also, if you're one of the poor losers pictured above and want your photo taken down, no problem, just let me know, but make sure you provide me with a photo of someone more dejected than you.
Since my original stereotypes tutorial was such a wild success (I was even plagiarized twice, yay!) and I had a couple of people telling me I should write another, I decided to continue the path and take it a step further. Complete with pictures for reference, I have put together a little guide on profiling.
Human beings are strange creatures. I'm sure at least 2/3 of you have heard of the homo sapiens species, the Latin name for the human species we belong to. The other 1/3 of confuse it with homo saypenis. Real mature. Anyway, humans are the dominant species on this planet in terms of control and intelligence. With our intelligence comes our unique ability to express our individuality, and my unique ability to make fun of it. I'm going to show you how it's possible to exploit nature's little gift to humans; personality and identity.
HOW TO PROFILE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.
When you see a person that resembles any of the following people or contain their attributes, you can easily judge them using the information I have researched on my own. I've made sure this meets the strictest academic guidelines there are, so you can use this field guide out there in the real world by heart. Remember, as you've learned in my previous stereotyping tutorial, it's important to judge people on preconceptions and reject them as human beings if they don't meet your prerequisites for friendship. With that said, let's get started!
Sub-Species: Angsti Teenus
Habitat: MySpace, Dashboard Confessional shows, Barnes & Nobles.
Diet: Estrogen.
Dress Code: Tight jeans, scarves, horizontal thick-striped shirts, converse shoes, etc.
Fun Fact: Emo kids are like goth kids that have all the Harry Potter books and movies.
Description: Their common name "emo" is Latin for "I'm retarded." The emo is usually seen writing haikus about life with an overuse of the words overrated, lame, anguish, and deep. Emo kids are the kind of people who own a t-shirt that reads, "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same," a mass-produced t-shirt they purchased at Hot Topic with the fat $100 a week allowance they get from their parents. They don't catch the irony. The average emo cannot operate a motor vehicle, because their required hairstyle covers one eye, impairing depth perception. Unfortunately, they're too focused on depression to realize this. The emo phase passes with age, usually capping at around age 22, unless a label signs them. A hell-spawned label ordained by Satan himself.
How To Communicate With Them: If it's absolutely necessary to communicate with a 17 year old who writes poetry that reads like Tears For Fears lyrics on Midol, you're either a parent, a poor soul caught with one of these douchefucks in your study/project group, or a self-hating pedophile with a wild sense of humor. Either way, there's no communicating with these people unless you become one. Just like marrying a Jew.
Sub-Species: Pleus Supportus
Habitat: LAN parties, basements, cold server rooms.
Diet: Never.
Dress Code: Plaid long-sleeve dress shirts (untucked) or white short-sleeve button-down shirt with a left pocket, pleated khakis, white socks and black Reeboks.
Fun Fact: Steve Carrell studied the habits of the tech support guy to prepare for his role in the feature film The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Description: The tech support guy is a fairly recent sub-species of man, evolved from the extinct abacus repairman (myjobus suckus) some twenty years ago. Back in high school, this guy would take comfort in the fact that after graduation the popular jocks would end up being blue collar knuckle draggers and his kind would become successful businessmen or engineers. Unfortunately for him, the jocks went to college on football scholarships and he fell for those University of Phoenix Online ads. These are not the type of people you find in public places, ever, unless surrounded by like-minded individuals, or if the crowd happens to be wearing Star Trek costumes and/or EverQuest garments.
How To Communicate With Them: This is significantly easier than the emo kid. Just speak to the man. Once he gets over his initial shock that someone is communicating with him sans a keyboard, he will do anything you ask. He will barbecue a virgin lamb using aged mahogany wood for you in his mother's basement if that's what you request. To him, actual human contact outside of work is like crack to Bobby Brown.
Sub-Species: Humanus Metallis
Habitat: Record stores, local metal shows, Guitar Center.
Diet: Meatloaf. Hah.
Dress Code: Regular fit jeans, regular fit t-shirt (usually black) with an 80's or 90's hair band logo, wristbands, combat boots.
Fun Fact: Every time you make fun of Cannibal Corpse and Slayer, a metalhead cuts his hair and gets a job.
Description: Metalheads are by law only allowed to work in 5 places, pet stores sweeping stuff up, restocking vending machines, a musical instrument store such as Sam Ash and Guitar Center, a music record store, or as a roadie for a hardcore metal band. The latter is the most prestigious job a metalhead can have. They enjoy wearing army clothing to blend in with the foliage in the mall they work in. Metalhead status is determined by the length of their hair and how many picks they've collected from various hardcore death metal shows. The curly metal hair with a bandana is among the most powerful looks a metalhead can have. Once diagnosed at around the age of 16, a metalhead usually stays a metalhead for the rest of his life, making this condition one of the deadliest diseases known to man, just slightly behind musical theatre performer.
How To Communicate With Them: Moshing, which is a shorthand way of saying "jumping around like a moron pushing people across a circular area in front of a stage," is a good way to communicate with them. Another way is to make a fist, then raise your index finger and pinky, hold that up, and make an angry face. They will respond with a similar gesture, which is a great way to establish rapport. Once you have his attention, then you can ask him to get working on that price check for the baby blue Fender Squire you're buying your 11 year old daughter that wants to follow in Avril Lavigne's footsteps.
Sub-Species: Countrius Musicus
Habitat: NASCAR races, trailer parks, crystal meth labs.
Diet: Grits, opossum, cheap fast food, black people.
Dress Code: Anything worn in the 80's, including white Keds and LA gear pumps, as well as American flag paraphernalia.
Fun Fact: Mullets are used by white trash hillbillies, also called rednecks, to combat against the sun turning their necks red.
Description: Rednecks are among the most easily profiled people on the planet. It's easier to spot and classify a redneck than it is to spot and classify a Mexican on a lawn. They are staunchly proud of being profoundly stupid, much like the ghetto fabulous guy. Rednecks maintain that white trash is a different classification which is beneath them, however just like Chinese and Japanese, they're all the same thing. The official hairstyle of the redneck is the mullet, pictured above. Mullets were co-invented by Captain Planet and MacGuyver when God abandoned man. Famous rednecks include Larry the Cable Guy, the guy who plays the town crier at your local renaissance fair, and George W. Bush. Oddly enough, George Bush Sr. is not a redneck, and neither is his wife Barbara who was created in a lab somewhere in Bhutan.
How To Communicate With Them: As long as you're a white, Christian, conservative, American heterosexual without a college degree, you can communicate freely with the redneck. Tell them a Blue Collar joke, such as: If you find Jeff Foxworthy funny, you might be a redneck.
Sub-Species: Doucheus Maximus
Habitat: New Jersey and New York.
Diet: Steroids and ecstasy.
Dress Code: An intricate mix of shit you wear to play basketball, wiggerwear, and stuff you would see on a Boyz II Men video. This ensemble is turned, somehow, into wardrobe worn in a club setting.
CONSERVATION STATUS: Endangered.
Fun Fact: Guidos are protected by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) because poachers have been hunting the New Jersey Guido for its high-priced bronzed leathery skin to make Guido-skinned toilet covers.
Description: Guidos originated from Italy, usually 3-5 generations back which effectively makes the pretend-Italian a full-blooded American who hasn't learned to assimilate. They are, by definition, douchebags. Guidos eventually grow up to be wops who coach little league baseball while wearing red tracksuits with the zipper only about halfway up, thus exposing matted chest hair below a gold-plated chain with a crucifix. The Guido drives a "tricked out" cheap vehicle such as a Honda Civic or 1994 Ford Mustang to various trance/trip hop clubs around the tri-state area and despite his obvious downfalls as a human being manages to attract beautiful young ladies undeterred by STD's, with the aid of alcohol, of course. The Guido produces an impressive amount of grease, usually concentrated around his face and hair, which is taken as a sign of virility by Guidettes, the Guido female.
How To Communicate With Them: Normally, Guidos will not speak to you unless you yourself are a Guido. Their limited intelligence allows a loophole to this. Slick your hair with obscene amounts of hair gel and use bastardized Italian words like "capish" and an exceedingly thick New York accent. If you can swing by a pawn shop and pick up any tacky jewelry pawned by Puerto Rican pickpockets from Queens it's a plus.
I trust you've learned a little more about the world around you. Next chapter we will cover other brands of humans. Also, if you're one of the poor losers pictured above and want your photo taken down, no problem, just let me know, but make sure you provide me with a photo of someone more dejected than you.
Stereotypes.
Well all know what a stereotype is. It is, by definition, a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Few, if any, know the root of the word. I believe it's
[17th century] Latin I don't fucking know.
However I've been wrong on occasion.
Personally, I like stereotypes. Not only are they hilarious, but it's the perfect way to live your life and avoid a dragged out confrontation whenever possible. Let's look at a few real-world scenarios and how to handle them in case you're ever stuck in a similar situation, using stereotypes as our ever-definitive guide to problem solving:
Scenario A - You accidentally step on a black man's shoes while waiting in line at the ATM. Immediately, you apologize to him by saying "my bad, G, didn't mean to dis the Jordans." Note the use of "my bad" in place of "I apologize." Black people, like hispanics, do not take kindly to large words, as it is a sign of aggression. At that point he will proceed to telling you a humorous anecdote. No matter what he says, you must laugh... loudly. All blacks are funny, therefore it is customary to pay your respect, or "props", to the gentleman. If all else fails, always carry watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. That, or give him all the money you take out of the ATM, since he was probably in line to rob you anyway.
Scenario B - Your Middle Eastern cab driver takes a wrong turn on his way to taking you to the airport. In a stern -- but not aggressive -- voice, say "hey Ahmed, you missed the turn." His name may not be Ahmed, however he will not take offense because it shows your attempt at understanding his language and culture. If he does not respond, there may be a problem. At this point you must say, "yo, Mohinder, do you speak English?" Notice how you now went from calling him by an Arabic name to an Indian name? That's because there was the possibility that you mistook him for one or the other, since it's a documented scientific fact that they all look alike. If this does not yield the wanted response, you must exit the cab immediately. The man is clearly a terrorist, say you're Canadian and call the authorities once you are far enough away from him.
Scenario C - After work one day, you decide you will head to a bar with one of your co-workers. Your co-worker, more than likely by choice, happens to be white. While at the bar, you two get to talking about religion and politics. All of the correct responses to his questions should be: A) Republican B) Protestant C) Pro-Bush D) Anti-immigration E) Anti-abortion. Yes, I know this goes against all logic and ethics, but you must make the white man feel at home and in control. If you do not, he will do one of various things white men with a power trip do, which is ruin your credit, arrest you, eat you, wear your skin, etc.
Scenario D - One night while out at a club, you are approached by an obviously gay fellow. You know he's gay, because he has this catty look in his eyes, plus he's very well kept, clean shaven, fit, and an immoral heretic child of Satan with impure thoughts. The first assumption you should make is that he wants to have sex with you. It doesn't matter that you're the '83 Corolla of the dating scene and your beer gut sticks out longer than your erect penis, he clearly wants to buttsex you. The proper thing to do in this situation is raise your voice at him, in a very authoritative fashion to let him know who the man is. Caution: Some gays are quite attracted to this. If you feel you are receiving more approval than disdain, quickly raise your shirt to show him the brown belt you're wearing with black shoes. That's like kryptonite.
Scenario E - While eating at your favorite restaurant, the hispanic -- let's call him Mexican -- busboy accidentally drops a dirty fork on your table. This angers you, because he took that job away from a 17-year old spoiled rich kid from Wasp KK. Kay Preparatory School who would have taken pot breaks while dry-humping your daughter in the alley. In order to settle this problem, simply threaten to call immigration. For effect, randomly throw in the name "Elian Gonzalez." He'll get the message loud and clear, as long as you say "comprede", because hispanics don't speak any English.
Scenario F - You are cut off by an Asian driver. You both happen to stop at the same market, and when he gets out of his car you come within 3 feet of each other and lock eyes. The correct course of action is to ignore the situation and walk away. He knows karate.
There you have it. If any of the above methods don't work, you probably did something wrong. They should always work, no matter the circumstance.
Well all know what a stereotype is. It is, by definition, a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Few, if any, know the root of the word. I believe it's
[17th century] Latin I don't fucking know.
However I've been wrong on occasion.
Personally, I like stereotypes. Not only are they hilarious, but it's the perfect way to live your life and avoid a dragged out confrontation whenever possible. Let's look at a few real-world scenarios and how to handle them in case you're ever stuck in a similar situation, using stereotypes as our ever-definitive guide to problem solving:
There you have it. If any of the above methods don't work, you probably did something wrong. They should always work, no matter the circumstance.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
