Stereotypes V2: Profiling.

Since my original stereotypes tutorial was such a wild success (I was even plagiarized twice, yay!) and I had a couple of people telling me I should write another, I decided to continue the path and take it a step further. Complete with pictures for reference, I have put together a little guide on profiling.

Human beings are strange creatures. I'm sure at least 2/3 of you have heard of the homo sapiens species, the Latin name for the human species we belong to. The other 1/3 of confuse it with homo saypenis. Real mature. Anyway, humans are the dominant species on this planet in terms of control and intelligence. With our intelligence comes our unique ability to express our individuality, and my unique ability to make fun of it. I'm going to show you how it's possible to exploit nature's little gift to humans; personality and identity.





HOW TO PROFILE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.





When you see a person that resembles any of the following people or contain their attributes, you can easily judge them using the information I have researched on my own. I've made sure this meets the strictest academic guidelines there are, so you can use this field guide out there in the real world by heart. Remember, as you've learned in my previous stereotyping tutorial, it's important to judge people on preconceptions and reject them as human beings if they don't meet your prerequisites for friendship. With that said, let's get started!





Sub-Species: Angsti Teenus
Habitat: MySpace, Dashboard Confessional shows, Barnes & Nobles.
Diet: Estrogen.
Dress Code: Tight jeans, scarves, horizontal thick-striped shirts, converse shoes, etc.
Fun Fact: Emo kids are like goth kids that have all the Harry Potter books and movies.

Description: Their common name "emo" is Latin for "I'm retarded." The emo is usually seen writing haikus about life with an overuse of the words overrated, lame, anguish, and deep. Emo kids are the kind of people who own a t-shirt that reads, "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same," a mass-produced t-shirt they purchased at Hot Topic with the fat $100 a week allowance they get from their parents. They don't catch the irony. The average emo cannot operate a motor vehicle, because their required hairstyle covers one eye, impairing depth perception. Unfortunately, they're too focused on depression to realize this. The emo phase passes with age, usually capping at around age 22, unless a label signs them. A hell-spawned label ordained by Satan himself.

How To Communicate With Them: If it's absolutely necessary to communicate with a 17 year old who writes poetry that reads like Tears For Fears lyrics on Midol, you're either a parent, a poor soul caught with one of these douchefucks in your study/project group, or a self-hating pedophile with a wild sense of humor. Either way, there's no communicating with these people unless you become one. Just like marrying a Jew.





Sub-Species: Pleus Supportus
Habitat: LAN parties, basements, cold server rooms.
Diet: Never.
Dress Code: Plaid long-sleeve dress shirts (untucked) or white short-sleeve button-down shirt with a left pocket, pleated khakis, white socks and black Reeboks.
Fun Fact: Steve Carrell studied the habits of the tech support guy to prepare for his role in the feature film The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Description: The tech support guy is a fairly recent sub-species of man, evolved from the extinct abacus repairman (myjobus suckus) some twenty years ago. Back in high school, this guy would take comfort in the fact that after graduation the popular jocks would end up being blue collar knuckle draggers and his kind would become successful businessmen or engineers. Unfortunately for him, the jocks went to college on football scholarships and he fell for those University of Phoenix Online ads. These are not the type of people you find in public places, ever, unless surrounded by like-minded individuals, or if the crowd happens to be wearing Star Trek costumes and/or EverQuest garments.

How To Communicate With Them: This is significantly easier than the emo kid. Just speak to the man. Once he gets over his initial shock that someone is communicating with him sans a keyboard, he will do anything you ask. He will barbecue a virgin lamb using aged mahogany wood for you in his mother's basement if that's what you request. To him, actual human contact outside of work is like crack to Bobby Brown.





Sub-Species: Humanus Metallis
Habitat: Record stores, local metal shows, Guitar Center.
Diet: Meatloaf. Hah.
Dress Code: Regular fit jeans, regular fit t-shirt (usually black) with an 80's or 90's hair band logo, wristbands, combat boots.
Fun Fact: Every time you make fun of Cannibal Corpse and Slayer, a metalhead cuts his hair and gets a job.

Description: Metalheads are by law only allowed to work in 5 places, pet stores sweeping stuff up, restocking vending machines, a musical instrument store such as Sam Ash and Guitar Center, a music record store, or as a roadie for a hardcore metal band. The latter is the most prestigious job a metalhead can have. They enjoy wearing army clothing to blend in with the foliage in the mall they work in. Metalhead status is determined by the length of their hair and how many picks they've collected from various hardcore death metal shows. The curly metal hair with a bandana is among the most powerful looks a metalhead can have. Once diagnosed at around the age of 16, a metalhead usually stays a metalhead for the rest of his life, making this condition one of the deadliest diseases known to man, just slightly behind musical theatre performer.

How To Communicate With Them: Moshing, which is a shorthand way of saying "jumping around like a moron pushing people across a circular area in front of a stage," is a good way to communicate with them. Another way is to make a fist, then raise your index finger and pinky, hold that up, and make an angry face. They will respond with a similar gesture, which is a great way to establish rapport. Once you have his attention, then you can ask him to get working on that price check for the baby blue Fender Squire you're buying your 11 year old daughter that wants to follow in Avril Lavigne's footsteps.





Sub-Species: Countrius Musicus
Habitat: NASCAR races, trailer parks, crystal meth labs.
Diet: Grits, opossum, cheap fast food, black people.
Dress Code: Anything worn in the 80's, including white Keds and LA gear pumps, as well as American flag paraphernalia.
Fun Fact: Mullets are used by white trash hillbillies, also called rednecks, to combat against the sun turning their necks red.

Description: Rednecks are among the most easily profiled people on the planet. It's easier to spot and classify a redneck than it is to spot and classify a Mexican on a lawn. They are staunchly proud of being profoundly stupid, much like the ghetto fabulous guy. Rednecks maintain that white trash is a different classification which is beneath them, however just like Chinese and Japanese, they're all the same thing. The official hairstyle of the redneck is the mullet, pictured above. Mullets were co-invented by Captain Planet and MacGuyver when God abandoned man. Famous rednecks include Larry the Cable Guy, the guy who plays the town crier at your local renaissance fair, and George W. Bush. Oddly enough, George Bush Sr. is not a redneck, and neither is his wife Barbara who was created in a lab somewhere in Bhutan.

How To Communicate With Them: As long as you're a white, Christian, conservative, American heterosexual without a college degree, you can communicate freely with the redneck. Tell them a Blue Collar joke, such as: If you find Jeff Foxworthy funny, you might be a redneck.





Sub-Species: Doucheus Maximus
Habitat: New Jersey and New York.
Diet: Steroids and ecstasy.
Dress Code: An intricate mix of shit you wear to play basketball, wiggerwear, and stuff you would see on a Boyz II Men video. This ensemble is turned, somehow, into wardrobe worn in a club setting.
CONSERVATION STATUS: Endangered.
Fun Fact: Guidos are protected by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) because poachers have been hunting the New Jersey Guido for its high-priced bronzed leathery skin to make Guido-skinned toilet covers.

Description: Guidos originated from Italy, usually 3-5 generations back which effectively makes the pretend-Italian a full-blooded American who hasn't learned to assimilate. They are, by definition, douchebags. Guidos eventually grow up to be wops who coach little league baseball while wearing red tracksuits with the zipper only about halfway up, thus exposing matted chest hair below a gold-plated chain with a crucifix. The Guido drives a "tricked out" cheap vehicle such as a Honda Civic or 1994 Ford Mustang to various trance/trip hop clubs around the tri-state area and despite his obvious downfalls as a human being manages to attract beautiful young ladies undeterred by STD's, with the aid of alcohol, of course. The Guido produces an impressive amount of grease, usually concentrated around his face and hair, which is taken as a sign of virility by Guidettes, the Guido female.

How To Communicate With Them: Normally, Guidos will not speak to you unless you yourself are a Guido. Their limited intelligence allows a loophole to this. Slick your hair with obscene amounts of hair gel and use bastardized Italian words like "capish" and an exceedingly thick New York accent. If you can swing by a pawn shop and pick up any tacky jewelry pawned by Puerto Rican pickpockets from Queens it's a plus.



I trust you've learned a little more about the world around you. Next chapter we will cover other brands of humans. Also, if you're one of the poor losers pictured above and want your photo taken down, no problem, just let me know, but make sure you provide me with a photo of someone more dejected than you.